Audrey earns a good living, too, with an income from management consulting that far surpasses what her parents ever made. Her social life is busy as well, filled with family, friends and church. What Audrey lacks is a husband. As she told me, sitting at a restaurant in the fashionable Dupont Circle neighborhood of the nation’s capital, “I’m trying to get to a point where I accept that marriage may never happen for me. Audrey belongs to the most unmarried group of people in the U. Three in 10 college-educated black women haven’t married by age 40; their white peers are less than half as likely to have remained unwed. What explains this marriage gap? As a black man, my interest in the issue is more than academic. I’ve looked at all the studies—the history, the social science, the government data—and I’ve spent a year traveling the country interviewing scores of professional black women. In exchange for my promise to conceal their identities in part by using pseudonyms, as I’ve done here , they shared with me their most personal experiences and desires in relation to marriage and family.

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As professional matchmakers we are often asked the same question by Black women: Why are some men so intimidated by us? Here are the top seven responses. Unfortunately Black women often have so many things we are trying to juggle that it can sometimes become second nature to not smile or take a moment to say hello. They feel that after a while, our focus shifts from being the “fun girlfriend” to being more practical instead and solely concerned with insuring the house is clean, meals are made and children are taken care of.

Those things are most important, of course, but remember that relationships need full-time nurturing and maintenance too. Is there some truth to the perception that some of us can overlook a Black man or not be as uplifting because instead we think they need to have already arrived before we give them a chance? They often say they feel more supported by women of other ethnicities earlier on in their careers and during their college years.

Often Black women have been raised to keep our poise and act like a lady at all times, especially in public and while under pressure. However, Black men tell us they love the freedom and ability to know their woman can be flexible and go with the flow in certain more spontaneous situations. Is every single item on your list all that important?

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In , Seattle Times columnist Jerry Large wrote about the black experience in Seattle in which black women complained about how few black men there were to date. One woman said to “bring your own black men or women to date because Seattle is hard on black women’s dating aspirations. On a recent Monday, it was his turn to visit, and when he arrived, they laughed and hugged and kissed. No doubt about it: They were totally in love.

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In a new poll, just a quarter of single black women said they were looking for a long-term relationship, while nearly half of black men said they were. The numbers go like this: Very few single black women — just a quarter of those surveyed — said they were looking for long-term relationships, or LTRs. But on the flip side, nearly 43 percent of single black men said they’re looking for a long-term partner.

The survey asked questions about a wide range of topics, including communities, finance and dating. Respondents between 18 and 49 years old who were divorced, widowed or never married were asked whether they were currently seeking a long-term romantic commitment, and therein lay the gender skew. It’s important to note that the majority of both sexes — 57 percent — said they were not looking for long-term relationships. When that data on dating is shared with Kristin McDonald, she is incredulous.

McDonald is gathered with her black women’s book club at a popular eatery in Brooklyn. Like McDonald, the members are all in their 30s and mostly single. McDonald and the other women in the group say that they interpreted the term “long-term relationship” as meaning a prelude to marriage. But why are so few women looking? McDonald says a lot of her girlfriends were raised by single moms; marriage wasn’t modeled in their homes, and today it seems unlikely. It just makes you feel like, ‘Damn!

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I had been with my partner for six years when she announced, abruptly, that it was over. I remember she was crying. I was not: I was too stunned. It was as if, in the rulebook of how to end a relationship, she had torn out the last chapter.

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Next date–rock-climbing! My heritage is really important to me, so I enjoy connecting with others in the black community. I also love to travel! On the weekends you can usually find me at the park or a restaurant, just hanging out with friends.

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Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single